Sunday, December 21, 2014

Let's Be Real

This blog served a very special purpose during the yeas that I was a stay-at-home-Mom with my little friends, Gabe and Zoe, who are now a whopping 7 and almost 10 years old!   I'm now workingalmost full time hours as an elementary music teacher and just don't have time to write.  Or even time to collect my thoughts at times to know how I feel about my Type 1.  Mostly I think I've been taking care of myself at a survival level.  Doing enough to feel good enough to function and fulfill responsibilities.  But not putting a focus to really get things right to optimize how I feel.  Mostly, it's my fault I think.  

This weekend I had a major high blood sugar.  Like, close to coma high where my mouth was dry and my thoughts were incohesive and I was drifting in and out of conciousness all night having very weird dreams about terrorists bombing my school and turning into a bird to fly around and try to save my students one by one.  (I swear I don't do drugs.)    When I woke up at 8am... My pajamas were on the floor and my pump site had been ripped off.  That's a first.  Anyone else out there ever do this?  Or am I a one woman freak show over here?    I tested.   HIGH.   Tested again an hour later.  HIGH.   Again.  397.
Again      256.  
Again       72.    

Let the Yo-Yoing begin.  Water.   Rest.   Crying.  Reading.  Playing with my kids.  More Rest.  More Crying.  

Sometimes it's just so frustrating.  I don't want to be a whiner, yet I just want someone to understand what it's like.   I know God has a plan, yet I'm sick and tired of the chronic issues.   I wanna put on my big girl pants and suck it up, but I wanna crawl up in a ball and cry in a corner.  

When I was young (er) it was very easy to bounce back from a high and carry on.   Now it seems to wipe me out for a day and destroy my psyche.   Clinging to my "tool box" of Scriptures, prayer, wise blogs and books, soft worship music and anti-anxiety medication... I try to relax and rebound in a way that is healthy and doesn't disrupt my family life too much.  

I've got to find a way to put the management of this disease at the forefront of my priorities.   I suppose this is what the Lord would like me to use this break from work for.  Getting myself right physically and leaning into Him to help guide me.

I'm listening Lord.  I need some help.  I feel like I'm drowning.

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